Trauma Bonds: What They Are, Why They Make It Hard to Leave, and How To Overcome One
There is a misunderstanding at times about the meaning of the term “trauma bond”. People may use this term to refer to the bond they have with someone that was developed due to a traumatic event they shared and experienced with another person. In this scenario, the person is viewing a trauma bond as something of benefit and representing closeness with a loved one or friend.
A trauma bond is actually a term that reflects a complex emotional attachment that forms between an abused individual and their abuser. Individuals’ nervous systems confuse danger with safety, comfort, and security. Ultimately, this makes it challenging for individuals to reconcile leaving their relationship.
How Do Trauma Bonds Form?
Trauma bonds form over time. Common characteristics of abusive relationships include physical, emotional, psychological, financial, and/or sexual abuse; manipulation, coercion, social isolation, gaslighting, and other controlling behaviors. Throughout the relationship, as the forementioned occur, there are often periods of “high high’s” or positive moments where kindness and caring are displayed. It is during these high moments when intermittent reinforcement occurs. Intermittent reinforcement triggers the brain to release dopamine, a neurotransmitter, and cortisol, a stress hormone, which serve to reinforce the bond with the abuser.
The abused individual maintains hope through the low moments, often working to “fix” the relationship so they can experience the high moments once again. The person begins to rationalize their abuser’s behavior using “cognitive distortions”, such as “They’re so stressed. Everything will be fine when we they get their new job” or “I should learn not to say certain things”. Accountability is often not placed on the abuser because the person has been conditioned to believe that issues are consistently due to their behavior or qualities/characteristics. Ultimately, the abused individual’s nervous system is turned on, leading to hypervigilance and they are often in a chronic state of “fight or flight”. However, instead of fleeing the situation or advocating for themselves, the person seeks comfort from their abuser, believing that their abuser is needed for them to feel better, secure, comforted, and loved.
Why It’s Hard to Leave Once a Trauma Bond Is Formed
When the abused person remains in the relationship through the low moments and the kindness and caring return, their brain’s reward system triggers the release of dopamine. Intense relief is felt at this time. The brain also releases oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone”, which then leads the person to feel intense love for their abuser. All the while, they may also feel intense fear, guilt (possibly for having considered leaving the relationship), and low self-esteem. The process of the high highs and low lows creates an intense emotional attachment that is addictive in nature. The person may remain addicted to the relationship, waiting for their next hit of dopamine and oxytocin to be released and they will have the feeling, even for a brief period of time, that once again, everything is alright.
How To Overcome a Trauma Bond
First and foremost, it is important for the person to meet with a trauma-informed therapy provider. This therapist can help the individual with processing their thoughts and emotions, discuss their relationship history (including family, romantic, and friend relationships), process traumatic events, and explore negative self-image and core beliefs.
Oftentimes, the abuser can socially isolate the person from family and friends. This has a number of benefits for the abuser. It minimizes the opportunity for the abused person to speak up for themselves, talk about the abuser’s behavior, and/or ask for help. We often draw strength from the social supports around us; thus, removing the abused person’s ability to socialize aids the abuser in isolating the person and breaking them down. Ultimately, it allows the abuser to have more control over the abused person. It is essential for the abused person to have support, whether that be from family, friends, a support group, or hopefully, all of the above.
The development of coping skills to use throughout the day is a must. This is also where working with a trauma-informed therapist can be highly beneficial. There are times when we try a new skill and it feels odd or strange, so we write it off as “Well that didn’t work” and we don’t it try again. Skill building is exactly that…the building of skills, which can take time. Learning various deep breathing exercises, grounding exercises, mindfulness strategies, distress tolerance skills, and relaxation exercises can be powerful in helping one manage their emotions so that they can lower their stress level and maintain rational thought. Everyone can benefit from these!
There are a number of books, podcasts, YouTube videos, and other online social media profiles that are educational and will provide so much information to not only the abused individual, but to their support network as well. Knowledge can be extremely empowering and validating for all! If we are able to understand and come to accept that this is something that is being done TO us, not something we are responsible for causing, we can develop self-compassion. Self-compassion is called upon throughout the healing journey.
Healing absolutely CAN occur. People often wonder what it will take and how long it will take to heal from a trauma bond. It takes self-compassion, education, patience, and reflection, and most of all…time.